John Carter Review

                     I'll go against the grain here and admit that I was excited for John Carter. It looked like it would just be plain fun to me. However, John Carter is definitely the worst film I've seen this year, and straight up one of the worst I've ever seen. It reeks. It stinks. Every role of film that John Carter was composed of deserves to be burned to the ground. Everyone involved with the movie should be ashamed of themselves.

                     The film starts out in 1800-ish England where Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) gets news that his uncle, John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) has died. We then follow John Carter to Mars in which he fights big monsters and falls in love. That's it. Nothing exciting ever happens throughout this film. We see John as he falls in love and leaps up into the air, but the audience must ask..what's it to us? The sad part is that this is not even the biggest sin of the film. The definitive sin of this film is that it expects its audience to be dumb as a rock. Without ever thinking about how insulting this might be to the audience, the film gives us laughable dialogue, a story that makes absolutely no sense, and cringe-inducing acting. Kitsch, especially, is terrible here. He is not fit for the role at all, and definitely shows that through his one-note performance. Willem Dafoe, Mark Strong, Thomas Haden Church, Dominic West, Ciaran Hinds, and Bryan Cranston all show up here. Why?????? These are good, even great actors throwing their careers down the drain by playing stupid, outrageous characters.

                  The other problem with this film is that it thinks it's something that it completely is not. Without the big budget, this film would be tossed in a trash can somewhere. However, the film thinks just because it has a big budget that it's a cool sci-fi action film. Haven't the filmmakers ever seen Waterworld? Waterworld is living proof that a big budget means nothing, Director Andrew Stanton, just like Brad Bird with Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol steps out of his realm of directing animated children's films. However, unlike Bird, Stanton proves that he should go back to the world of animation.

                  If John Carter doesn't end up being my least favorite film of the year, I've lost all hope in humanity. Why is this, you might ask. Well, it's because that will mean that there is a worst film than John Carter that has yet to come out this year.

(0 out of 5 stars, The film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action)