The 10 Worst Films of 2014!!!!!!!

                        Here they are---the films that made me regret throwing down money to sit through them in 2014. The worst of the worst and the films that I could not get paid to sit through again. Generally speaking 2014 was a great year for cinema buffs like myself but these 10 films proved that people like me who go to *mostly* everything that come out still had to dig through the garbage of Hollywood. Please also note that I took a bit back for myself this year, steering clear of such guaranteed disasters as Blended and Transformers: Age of Extinction. Also, some films that I hated that didn't quite make it---Sex Tape, The Nut Job, Ride Along, Noah, Annie, Night At The Museum Secret Of The Tomb among others. Without further ado, I will list them off so I never have to think about them again.

(10) Annabelle

               One of many films on this list that are part of acclaimed film critic Roger Ebert's "Brothman's Law," which he named after a Chicago film critic exhibitor named Oscar Brothman, Annabelle is a depressingly lackluster horror film that didn't even try and so clearly was only intent on aping off the success of the hit film The Conjuring. By the way, "Brothman's Law" states that "If nothing has happened by the end of the first reel, nothing is going to happen." That is very much the truth for this disaster.

   (9) The Amazing Spider-Man 2

                   I would saying wasting great talent such as Paul Giamatti, Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, Denis Leary and Dane DeHaan was this film's biggest sin if it weren't such a pile of horse droppings in so many other regards. This has got to be one of the single most boring superhero AND action films I have ever seen. Unfortunately, this film made enough for audiences to get a third of this dead in the water, been there done that franchise.

(8) A Million Ways To Die In The West 

                   On my halfway report post from this year, I had this as the third worst film of 2014 thus far. I decided a higher ranking was unfair for this Seth MacFarlane comedy since I did laugh a total of six times. However, the rest of this comedy is so uncomfortably dreadfully and as dry and disgusting as the old west itself that leaving it off entirely would be doing the 2 (TWO) hours of sitting through this scummy comedy all too big of a favor. Also...what can be worse than an unfunny comedy?

(7) Atlas Shrugged Part 3: Who Is John Galt?

                   Saying this film was terrible is a lost cause because that's really obvious. The only reason I felt obliged to sit through this mess (that, despite awful everything, doesn't even  come close to reaching so bad it's good territory) is that the filmmakers left a lot of questions open at the end of the dreadful second film. People such as myself that were stupid enough to see the decent for what it was first and the unforgivable second probably went into the third installment at least expecting answers. Too bad none were given.

(6) As Above So Below 

                      Another "Brothman's Law" victim, this found footage garbage where literally nothing happens for its 90 minutes that feel more like a prison sentence, unfortunately got slightly better reviews and better box office numbers than its December released significantly better and instantly more likable sister film The Pyramid. The latter at least has characters that are sort of charming. This film has nothing in its favor.

(5) Deliver Us From Evil

                       A film that made me heavily considering whether movies are even an art form any more, this failed attempt at an exorcism horror film-cop thriller crossover nonetheless had some "so bad they're good" moments. Too bad 99% of the film was boring and most shamefully of all, incredibly lazy.

(4) Transcendence

                           Not quite the most boring film of 2014 but very close, this complete rip off of The Lawnmower Man, which was not a very good film to begin with finally proved that the once talented Johnny Depp can no longer act anymore and should just stop trying. Actually, I think he has. Johnny--you're playing a scientist who turns into a computer, there's no need to do a weird accent and act like you still have tons of make up on. Just be normal for a change, man.

(3) Before I Go To Sleep

                                Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman and Mark Strong all in the same film together... what could go wrong? Apparently everything if you're this thriller written and directed by the usually reliable Rowan Joffe (Brighton Rock, 28 Weeks Later for writing.) The film follows Kidman as  a woman who loses her memory each day when she wakes up. If you want to watch a great film about someone who loses their memory each day, just watch Memento. Fortunately this film made less than one million dollars at the opening weekend box office, which shows that audiences are sometimes smart about what not to see. Unfortunately, films with Adam Sandler and Michael Bay's names attached to them still make millions and even billions of dollars but that's a whole other ball game.

(2) The Other Woman

                                  Even thinking about this disastrous comedy still makes me mad. What I said about there's nothing worse than an unfunny comedy with A Million Ways To Die In The West goes triple for The Other Woman. When you have a film about three women (Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and Kate Upton) being cheated on by the same men and the ladies are so obnoxious and grating to every nerve that sympathy for the man starts to come into play, that's the sign of one smelly film. This is not helped by the fact that the brother (Taylor Kinney) of the cheater's wife (Mann) tells her to be normal and divorce him 20 minutes into the film. Thank you screenplay for pointing out why this film is so unnecessary. What's most shocking is this incredibly misogynistic non-comedy is written by a woman named Melissa Stack and directed by the usually reliable Nick Cassavetes (Alpha Dog, The Notebook, John Q,) son of the great John Cassavetes. For shame making your father coil in his grave with this crap, Nick.

(1) The Equalizer

                             I was tempted to put The Equalizer and The November Man  both on the worst of 2014 list but then I decided to go for the worst of the two since THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN MOVIE. I went the Denzel Washington starring-Antoine Fuqua directed film because it felt like the significantly bigger waste of talent and was also around half an hour longer. This is a horrible film that, like its Pierce Brosnan starring-Roger Donaldson directed counterpart, follows a boring ex-agent who has to do one last job. What a horrible cliche and what an awful accomplishment to make the great Denzel Washington boring as hell. Washington and Fuqua made the excellent cop thriller for which Washington more than deservedly won an Oscar. Here, they prove that two times may be too many. I was quite literally bored to tears during this film and have aggressively tried to get this absolutely hateful and disgusting film out of my head ever since I walked out of the theater. I would rather get stabbed repeatedly than sit through this crap ever again.

             There you have it...the very worst of 2014. Here's hoping that 2015 will be less crappy and will feature (very wishful thinking here) many less calculated films.