Movie 43 Review

Segments from the crypt---Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone have it out over a grocery store loudspeaker in Movie 43
                      Movie 43 is a disgusting display of human nature. It is a vomit-inducing series of unfunny skits that makes Kentucky Fried Movie look like The Godfather by comparison. I don't exactly consider my time to be a precious commodity (I have seen such films as Yogi Bear and Disaster Movie in the theater knowing I would hate them.) However, Movie 43 not only wasted a hour and a half of my life but also made me cringe multiple times. This film is living, breathing proof that just because a concept is funny doesn't mean it can't be done poorly.

                     There are four skits I found bearable and yes---I even chuckled at these skits one or two times but only because I liked the concept of them. One of them is the recurring sketch which involves Dennis Quaid trying to sell a script to a film to Greg Kinnear. Another one of them involves Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts as parents who try to give their teenage son a "real high school experience." Another one involves Batman (Jason Sudekis) consistently messing up Robin (Justin Long)'s chance at romance during superhero speed dating. The last one (which is halfway through the credits) involves a man (Josh Duhamel) dates a woman (Elizabeth Banks) much to his cartoon cat's chagrin. Once again---I have to point out that these are only chuckle worthy one or two times because of the concepts---not because they're actually funny.

                     There are eight other skits all of which are unendurable throughout. One involves a woman (Kate Winslet) who goes on a blind date with a man (Hugh Jackman) with genitalia on his chin. Another involves a woman (Anna Faris) asking her boyfriend (Chris Pratt) to void his bowels on her. Another involves a man and woman (Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone) talking dirty over a loudspeaker. Another involves a company head (Richard Gere) trying to find out why his music player that's built just like a woman is not being used to play music. Another involves a teenage girl (Chloe Grace Moretz) getting her period in front of her father, boyfriend and boyfriend's brother. Another involves a guy (Johnny Knoxville) giving his friend (Seann William Scott) a Leprechaun for his birthday.  Another involves a couple (Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry) playing a disgusting game of truth or dare. The last one involves a basketball coach (Terrence Howard) telling his players they're going to inevitably win because of their race.

                       All of these sketches are either gross or offensive for no reason. I'm not a comedy snob...I can laugh at gross stuff but I need some reason to laugh at it. If someone gets her period or voids his bowels or talks dirty...I can't laugh unless there's some reason to. When filmmakers are presenting these ideas just for the heck of it then there's really nothing funny about it...it's just gross. Also...the actors are not the only talented people wasting their time on this film. The directors range from Brett Ratner to Bob Odenkirk to James Gunn. The most disappointing, however, is the skit involving Howard as a coach. I think Howard is a great actor but even worse Rusty Cundieff directed it. Cundieff is the writer and director of a hysterical, little known mockumentary about rap called Fear of a Black Hat. What's great about Fear of a Black Hat is how it pokes fun at racism while also speaking out against it. It did so with smart, witty dialogue and scenarios. I felt as if the basketball skit would have been funny had Cundieff wrote it because he knows how to make fun of racism without being offensive. Rather...someone else wrote the skit and it felt directly racist rather than making fun of or speaking out against racism.

                       There is no need to see Movie 43 in the theaters. The four skits I chuckled at once or twice will be available on YouTube within weeks. For this reason...I beg of you to spend your money on a better film like Silver Linings Playbook this weekend.
(1 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong pervasive crude and sexual content including dialogue, graphic nudity, language, some violence and drug use)

Parker Review

Dull is his name, killing is his game---Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez are on the run from some psychos in Parker
                          Parker may be the worst film Jason Statham has ever appeared in. It's certainly the most boring. The film is directed by Taylor Hackford, an excellent director who just doesn't know what action scenes are supposed to look like. This is his first action film and you can see why he's never attempted one before. The violence is either too over the top or with too little happening. There is never that middle ground that I want when I go to see a Statham film. It's one thing to be comic in your violence...it's another thing to be just plain gross. Despite honest efforts from Statham, Nick Nolte and Michael Chiklis...the film fails on all levels.

                         In the film...Statham plays Parker who gets thrown out of a car and shot by his fellow robbers. These robbers are led by Chiklis and feature talents such as "The Wire"'s Wendell Pierce and the prolific actor Clifton Collins JR. Nolte plays a friend of Parker's who informs him that they'll come and find him since he didn't actually die when they shot him. Jennifer Lopez is awful as a real estate agent who helps Parker. Patti LuPone is unwatchable as Lopez's wacky mother. The whole film really doesn't need explaining because Statham films aren't met to have plots. That is, however, exactly the problem with this particular film of his.

                         I'm not one of those people who need action in their films. However, when I go to see a film of Statham's you better believe I want some good action. This film is mostly build up of Statham attempting to act (because let's face it---he's charming but he can't act for his life) mixed with a few really bad action scenes at the end. At 2 hours, the film runs out of steam long before the final credits roll. In fact...I had to check my watch because I was so bored and was terrified to realize I was only 45 minutes in. Yes...it's that kind of movie.

                        With no real reason for existing except to make money...Parker is a major disappointment even by January standards. Sure...just like everyone reading this I didn't expect anything good to come out of an action film released in January. Still...give me something that isn't so painful.
(1/2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong violence, language throughout and brief sexual content/nudity)

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

Classic tale, boring twist----Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton kill a witch in Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

                Well...it's been nice knowing you, Jeremy Renner. You were a good actor up until the film (or nap as most may call it) that was The Bourne Legacy and you have officially destroyed your career with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. Don't worry---you're on the same boat as everyone else who appeared in this self indulgent, boring attempt to update the Grimm Brothers classic. Everyone in this film embarrasses themselves over and over again. It's not even that Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is an awful or self indulgent movie (although it is those things in spades.) Rather---it's that the film is so boring and dumb that while watching it---I was losing brain cells by the minute.

                  The film stars Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as Hansel and Gretel. You know the beginning of the story. Now they're F-word throwing, self conceded witch hunters. And yes...they kill witches in many different ways (none of them any clever or fun.) There's really no need to go into the rest of the plot. Famke Janssen plays a witch who they must kill and that's all I'm going to bother to write on the plot.

                   Renner and Arterton don't even attempt to be good while Janssen gives it the old college try and fails. The film is just the same thing told over and over again. It's not even like 2008's Vantage Point where the audience at least gets something a little different each time. This is a movie that makes no attempt to do anything different from scene to scene. That's kind of sad, too because writer-director Tommy Wirkola previously did two very fun movies. He did Dead Snow and Kill Buljo which were both a blast. Here---it's as if he thought because this had not been done before---it was automatically cool. Not the case. This is not only not cool at all but it also is amazingly cliche. Sure...this plot has never been done before but everyone in the audience knows the story arc and exactly where it is going.

                  The ending sets up for a sequel which I, for one, will be tempted to skip. This is coming from the guy who sees every movie he possibly can. Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters is in its own special class of awful. Of the three unbearable new releases to come out this weekend...this takes the cake.

(0 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language) 

Zero Dark Thirty Review

Mission: Possible---Joel Edgerton and Chris Pratt as a couple of guys who help catch Osama Bin Laden in Zero Dark Thirty
                       Zero Dark Thirty starts out with Dan (Jason Clarke)....a CIA operative mercilessly torturing a supposed helper in Osama Bin Laden's attacks. This is a daring and provocative way to start a movie. It raises the question---should we root for Dan because he is helping stop a very dangerous man or should we root against him because he is being a dangerous man himself? Either way...this is a beginning that will disturb most people.

                     We then meet Maya (Jessica Chastain)...another CIA operative who is somewhat disgusted by what Dan is doing. Maya is also, in fact, a participant in these horrible acts. While Dan believes in torturing these criminals to get them to talk...Maya simply believes in talking to them. The film then proceeds to be an intense thriller about the man hunt for Bin Laden. The film is gripping, smart and realistic in the best way possible.

                     Although Chastain is excellent here...her role wasn't that meaty. Sure...she yells a couple of times but the film never gives her a chance to strut all her stuff. Clarke is fantastic here making me wish they had more of him on screen. James Gandolfini has a small but excellent role as a CIA director and Joel Edgerton and Chris Pratt are excellent as two of the Navy S.E.A.Ls who helped bring Bin Laden to justice.

                       Although there are a few slow parts...the movie never peters out. Also...call me a sucker but the film had me in its grip from the first second to the last. Sure...I wasn't wishing it was longer (it is, after all, over 2 and 1/2 hours long) but I did thoroughly enjoy almost every second of it. Excellent performances across the board, a gripping narrative and smart dialogue are what make Zero Dark Thirty well worth seeing.
(4 and 1/2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong violence including brutal disturbing images and for language)

A Haunted House Review

Looking for a laugh---Essence Atkins, Marlon Wayans and Nick Swarsdon find a ghost in A Haunted House
                  Nick Swarsdon, David Koechner, Marlon Wayans, Andrew Daly, Affion Crockett, JB Smoove and Cedric The Entertainer all have something in common. That thing is the fact that all of these people can be laugh out loud funny when they want to. Unfortunately---the newest horror spoof A Haunted House doesn't even give them a chance to do so. Perhaps I should blame Wayans for this travesty because he---along with first time co-writer Rick Alvarez scripted the film. This is not just an unfunny film---this is an unendurable film. Watching A Haunted House makes every Freidberg-Seltzer parody look like a work of genius. I am sad to make this statement when so many talented people are involved with the making of this film and no one remotely talented is involved in the making of any Freidberg-Seltzer films. It's as if Wayans is tired of actually being funny and decided that he wanted to be just plain gross.

                    Plot? What plot? It's just a string of unfunny jokes that become increasingly unbearable and desperate. I will say that there is the most annoying character in movie history in the form of a psychic named Chip. He is played by Swarsdon who, ever since the unbearable Bucky Larson; Born To Be A Star has seemed to be in any film he could potentially get a laugh in. Andrew Daly, David Koechner, JB Smoove and Cedric The Entertainer are up there with Will Ferrell and Seth Rogen on my list of funniest people alive. What were they possibly thinking being in this film? I wouldn't be surprised if their careers are ruined by this film. And in fact...I wouldn't blame all of them for firing their agents.

                     One of the worst aspects of the film is how gross it is. The Paranormal Activity films are a target that could easily spawn a funny, clever spoof. Here, however, Wayans and Alvarez decide to put disgusting and tasteless gags in place of wit. There is not a single laugh to be had here. There is not a watchable second to be seen here, either.

                       The fact that I'm still even talking about this film is giving it too much attention. I feel as if everyone involved in the making of this film just wanted attention and if that's the case---I guess they got what they wanted. My review of this film contained more thought than anyone on the set of this film bothered to have.
(0 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for crude and sexual content, language and some drug use)

Amour Review

Much love---Jean-Louis Trintignant as an elderly man with a suffering wife (Emmanuelle Riva) in Amour
                     Chances are if you've seen a Michael Haneke film you've been impressed. From 71 Fragments Of A Chronology Of Chance to both versions of Funny Games to The White Ribbon...the man just knows how to make a film. His newest---Amour about an elderly married couple is perhaps his best so far. It is a hard hitting, sad and provocative drama that may not be for everybody but is for anyone who wants to see a film that is fabulously made and acted.

                       In the film....Jean-Louis Trintignant plays Georges whose wife, Anne (Emmanuelle Riva) has an attack and is starting to suffer mostly physical pain but is also suffering mentally. As her condition gets worse and worse...Georges and Anne's marriage and love for each other are questioned. Georges isn't doing all he can for Anne and she doesn't appreciate it.

                       By far the best part of the film is the acting. Trintignant and Riva let the audience see both sides of the coin. We feel much sympathy for Anne but we can also see why Georges isn't as concerned as Anne thinks he should be. Some of the credit for this aspect should also go to writer-director Haneke who gives these characters the perfect mix of likability and shamelessness. Also...the quiet moments in the films are the ones that really get the audience. These quiet moments in equal parts disturb, makes us wonder and think and shows us the cold light of day. Some prime examples of these moments are an act that Georges commits towards the end and a scene involving music being played on a piano.

                       Sure...this isn't a film that's a blast to watch. If you want that this weekend...see The Last Stand because this is an extremely depressing, downbeat film. However---Haneke has done something truly wonderful with this film. He has made a film that grips you in your seat from the first second to the last. He proves once again that he is a genius filmmaker. He, however, cannot take all of the credit. The actors are an equally important part to making Amour the wonderful, hopefully widely seen gem that it is.
(5 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated PG-13 for mature thematic material including a disturbing act and for brief language)

Mama Review

Scare tactics---Jessica Chastain,Isabella Nelisse and Meghan Charpentier must fend off a ghost in Mama
               You know you're in trouble when the scariest thing in a horror film is how boring it is. Mama is not merely a bad horror film. Rather---Mama is an insulting horror film. It insults the intelligence of the audience, it insults other horror films and worst of all---it insults we the audience's expectations by expecting us to be scared by stuff that has been done bigger and better in hundreds of other horror films. Never have I seen a film that relies so heavily on those "got ya" moments. You know...the moments where you suddenly hear a loud noise or see something that you didn't know was there. It's particularly sad to see those moments in this film because there are one or two quieter moments in the film that are effectively creepy but then are ruined by a "got ya" moment.

                 In the film...Jessica Chastain and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau play Annabel and Lucas...a couple who have been hunting down Lucas's long-lost nieces for years. When the nieces are finally found...Annabel and Lucas take them home to live with them. Little do they know that nieces Victoria and Lily have been living with a monster all this time. Oh yeah and the monster goes wherever they go therefore bringing them into their new home.

                The film's opening scene is actually very well done. That is until a monster appears and it then becomes a typical horror movie scene. The film then piles on dumb, tedious scene after dumb, tedious scene just waiting for viewers to be scared. We the viewers are not. In fact.....Texas Chainsaw had more genuine scares than this. I say this not only because I was more scared and entertained by Texas Chainsaw but because there were 5 year old children in both films. A 5 year old in the theater was covering his eyes during Texas Chainsaw while a 5 year old in the theater for Mama leaned over to his parents at the end of the film and said "that wasn't scary." The worst part about all this is that it was executive produced by Guillermo Del Toro who can generally make any horror movie scarier just by being on the set. Here, however---even Del Toro can't save this mess.

                I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that Mama is typical, bottom of the barrel Hollywood horror trash. It did get a release in the middle of January...the month where studios put their unwanted films into release. However---Chastain is way too good for this role and the film lacks even one genuine scare. If you are going to see Mama...don't expect for it to give you any restless nights. That is---unless you fall asleep in the theater which in that case...I can't blame you.
(1/2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated PG-13 for violence and terror, some disturbing images and thematic elements)

Not Fade Away Review

Pleased to meet you---John Magaro and Dominique McElligott as a band member and his girlfriend in Not Fade Away
                           Not Fade Away is a drama that is both highly enjoyable and invites the audience to share in the character's uncomfortable feelings. It is not a great film but it does come awfully close. Written and directed by David Chase (of "The Sopranos" fame)...the film is an extremely well done film about a couple of teenagers who just want to rock out.

                           In the film....a teenager named Douglas (John Magaro) suggests to his friends that they start a band. This is---of course---much to the chagrin of his father (James Gandolfini.) Rebelliously---Douglas starts the band and meets Joy (Dominique McElligott)...a sweet girl who promptly falls for him. Joy's father (Christopher McDonald) does not approve to say the least.

                           The film is narrated by Douglas's sister (Meg Guzulescu) although she's so quiet you hardly notice she's there. The confrontational family scenes get uncomfortable and then become surprisingly touching. Chase provides the audience with just the right mix of humor and heartbreak. It's as if he's doing what Judd Apatow failed to do with This Is 40 and providing the audience with an emotionally human and autobiographical story. Gandolfini and McDonald are excellent as always and newcomers Magaro and McElligott really show they have what it takes to make it in Hollywood. They are both simply terrific. Brad Garrett is also excellent towards the end as a record producer who digs the band's sound.

                              While the film is very slow in parts and does die down a couple of times...it is also an emotionally rich and complex film with a great narrative. Chase has proven himself once again with Not Fade Away by giving the audience a surprising film that works on many levels.
(4 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for pervasive language, some drug use and sexual content)

The Last Stand Review

He'll be back-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Johnny Knoxville as a cop and a gun crazy museum owner in The Last Stand

                        It's not like we haven't seen this countless times before. Still---The Last Stand is great fun. With its wacky rural characters and ridiculous action.....the film provides endless fun and features an intense villain. Sure---this particular drug kingpin is no Tony Montana but he gets the job done. Arnold Schwarzenegger once famously said he would be back and he is...in top form.

                        In the film....Schwarzenegger plays Ray Ownes...a sheriff for Summerton---a small town that is off the beaten path. When a drug lord named Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) escapes from maximum security by the FBI in Nevada...he plans to cross the Mexican Border. It is now up to Ray, his bumbling deputy (Luis Guzman) and his two trusty helping hands (Zach Gilford and Jaimie Alexander) to stop this extremely dangerous man. Oh...have I mentioned that Johnny Knoxville is a gun obsessed man who owns a "museum" in the town who is only there to help with the final showdown? Yeah---now you know what you're getting into.

                        I've always found Schwarzenegger to be a very charismatic action star. Because this film is so dumb and such a showcase for Arnold...it won't make anyone come to my side. However...if you already share my opinion on Schwarzenegger (as many people do)....then this won't change your mind either. In fact...it may just enhance your opinion of Arnold. He has a couple of the funniest lines you are bound to hear in your 2013 movie going and he proves that he's not retired yet. As well...Guzman and Knoxville provide excellent comic relief, Alexander and Genesis Rodriguez as a kidnapped cop make excellent eye candy and Noriega provides a very good villain. Oh yeah and Forest Whitaker reminds us of what a good actor he is playing FBI agent John Bannister.

                         Sure...as with Gangster Squad...I'll forget about it within a few weeks or even days. Also...it is one of the dumbest films anyone is likely to see this year. However...I had an absolute blast watching The Last Stand. Like I said...non-Arnold fans may not enjoy this film because it is such a showcase for the action star but if you enjoy your Schwarzenegger dumb, loud and R-rated...this is the film for you this weekend.

(3 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, and language) 

Gangster Squad Review

Ruthless people---Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone as a cop turned vigilante and his lover in Gangster Squad
                           Perhaps it's my love for pulpy films that have brought me to sitting down and writing this review. I know for a fact that my love for pulpy films that sometime even venture into self parody is why I am putting my foot down and saying that Gangster Squad is the most fun I have had at the movies in a long while. Sure---there are better films of this kind out on DVD and it features some of the worst dialogue this side of Battlefield Earth but these things are also part of the charm of the film.

                             The film revolves around six cops  (Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Giovanni Ribisi, Anthony Mackie, Robert Patrick and Michael Pena) and their attempt to take down Los Angeles's most notorious gangster Mickey Cullen (Sean Penn.) Things get even more complicated when Jerry (Gosling) falls for Mickey's lover (Emma Stone.)

                             Penn's performance is immaculate. He brings the right mix of creepy and wacky to the table. Mickey Cullen is one of the scariest characters even to hit the big screen. The opening scene involves Mickey doing something to a man no sane person could even imagine someone doing. And yes---Mickey does give Hannibal Lecter a run for his money. All six of the cops are excellent. Brolin and Gosling both give us the perfect charming bad boys, Ribisi fits in surprisingly well and Mackie, Patrick and Pena make nice vigilantes in their own respects.

                              The film does get very silly towards the end but once again---all part of the fun. Some of the dialogue is horrific such as when an attempted prison escape fails and a character simply says "That did not work." There isn't much about the film that anyone is likely to remember in a couple of days.

                               Still----for all its flaws---I enjoyed Gangster Squad immensely. It is far from perfect and will certainly not make my top 10 for the year come 2014. However---director Ruben Fleischer (who previously did the comedies Zombieland and 30 Minutes Or Less) makes a surprisingly nice transition here. It may be too pulpy and ridiculous for some but it's a great time at the movies if you know what you're getting into.
(3 and 1/2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong violence and language)

Promised Land Review

Share the land---Frances McDormand and Matt Damon as oil frackers up against a small town in Promised Land
                  Matt Damon has always been one of my favorite actors. He has a special ability to outshine everyone around him no matter how good the people around him are. It is actually with great pleasure that I say the new environmental drama Promised Land (the screenplay being written by Damon and John Krasinski) actually does not present this aspect of Damon. The film also features John Krasinski, Frances McDormand and Hal Holbrook among others handing out great performances along with Damon.

                  In the film---Damon plays Steve Butler---an oil fracker who goes to a small town to make his company millions. Along with his skeptical partner Sue (McDormand)---he goes up against the town. This is not helped when a retired science teacher (Holbrook) goes against Steve and a charming environmentalist (Krasinski) shows up to bring down Steve's company.

                  Krasinski is charming here and Damon---in a rare instance---plays the jerk. We do not root for Steve and we find Kraninski's Dustin as charming as can be. McDormand is fantastic but that just comes natural to her now. Rosemarie DeWitt shows up as a teacher named Alice who becomes Steve's love interest. Holbrook is great but his character isn't that needed. Also---Titus Welliver plays a convenient store owner and gives a great performance.

                 Although the film doesn't fully (or for that case at all) explain what oil fracking is but why do they need to? This is an entertaining and well thought out film with a great twist. The idea of exposing the big companies going against the general public is an excellent idea because this stuff is really happening in our lifetimes. Perhaps my favorite aspect of the film is how all the characters are their own people. It reminded me of Fargo (for which McDormand won her Oscar) in that it shows much love for the people of the small town it is portraying.

             Promised Land may be flawed but it is also a very, very good, well made film. It doesn't quite rise to the level of the best films of 2012 but it features excellent performances and a fantastic script. You may not enjoy the film if you're not up to date on the corporation schemes that have been going on. However---if you want to see that kind of stuff portrayed accurately in the film or if you're a fan of any of the actors in this film---you are bound to enjoy it.
(4 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for language)

The Impossible Review

       The parents who could---Ewan McGregor as a father in the midst of a tsunami in The Impossible
                             The Impossible is an incredibly tough film to watch. It's not for the reasons that you think, either. This isn't emotionally tough to watch. Rather...it's the look of the film that hits you the most. However...The Impossible is not good in its toughness. Perhaps if the film was not so damn cookie cutter I would have appreciated it more. I would never want to see this film again and that is not a compliment to the filmmakers.
                           
                            The film features one of the most striking scenes imaginable. You guessed it...it's the tsunami scene. After that great, beautifully choreographed scene...it's all downhill. The film then follows Maria (Naomi Watts) and her son, Lucas (Tom Holland) as they try to survive the aftermath. It also follows Henry (Ewan McGregor), Maria's husband and their other two sons, Thomas and Simon (Samuel Joslin and Oaklee Pendergast) as they try to find Maria and Lucas and survive as well.

                            Where the film fails miserably is when it tries to make the audience sad. The film follows the usual story arc we would expect from a film such as this and therefore never gets nearly emotional as it wants to. McGregor and Watts are alright but they never show their full potential. These are two fantastic actors and although these are not attractive roles for them...they could have done much better with the material given. The kids are actually better than McGregor and Watts combined. Holland, Joslin and Pendergast all give it their all and realistically portray this situation as if the audience was watching it in real time. There is a shot that involves one of Maria's legs that bothered me for the rest of the film. This may not have been so annoying had there been any rhyme or reason to it. Rather...it's just an incredibly gross shot that adds nothing to the film.

                            All in all.....The Impossible is not a good film. Being that this is a true story...I can see where some people may find it fascinating. However...those people will most likely not focus on how good the film actually is. Considering how powerful and sad this story still is...everyone involved could have made a significantly better film. As it is....The Impossible is a mediocre, cliche film that never gets the audience that engaged and doesn't let the audience leave in satisfaction.
(2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated PG-13 for intense realistic disaster sequences including disturbing injury images and brief nudity)

Texas Chainsaw Review

Don't mess with Texas----Tania Raymonde and Trey Songz are being chased by a killer in Texas Chainsaw
                       First and foremost---let me point out that I did not see Texas Chainsaw in 3D. I knew what I was going to get into with the 3D so I didn't bother paying three extra bucks to see it in that format. The film was so laughably bad in 2D, however that I can only imagine what it would have been like in a third dimension. This is not to say I didn't enjoy the film. I actually enjoyed this film quite a bit. However...I enjoyed it the same way I enjoy Howard The Duck. I laugh at how miserably it fails and how much it didn't even try. The film is awful in every way shape and form but it is in that awfulness that the film made me enjoy myself.

                      The film starts with an incredibly stupid opening scene that is too dumb for me to even describe. We then flash forward to a group of friends. They are taking a road trip up to a mansion where the opening scene took place. Alexandra Daddario and Tania Raymonde are fabulous eye candy as the two women and Trey Songz and Keram Malicki-Sanchez are the two male friends. Sanchez is alright but to say Songz is awful would be an understatement. Speaking of bad acting....the audience gets the special treat of  watching some guy named Dan Yeager in his first movie role trying to make Leatherface scary. Needless to say he fails miserably.

                      The film has so many ludicrous scenes in it I don't even know where to begin. There is a scene in which the characters are trying to get away from Leatherface in a van. The dumbest part of this scene involves a gate and actually makes me laugh harder and harder the more I think about it. There are also many times in which people are screaming long after they would have died. Someone gets sawed in half and is screaming when half of their body is already sawed up. Sure...a twist towards the end of the film gives the audience an interesting got you moment. However....it was too little too late. The film already had too many laugh out loud, incredibly dumb scenes to make the audience reconsider their opinion.

                       I did enjoy the film for the stinky garbage that it was. If you go in expecting anything like the original (although there is a very small montage of the original at the beginning of the film).....you will not enjoy yourself at all. I suppose it's because I knew that I was going to have to leave my brain at the door and watch what is more of a comedy than a horror film that I enjoyed it so much. Come 2014...this may make my list of the worst films of 2013 but I would be lying if I said I didn't have a blast with this film in that list.
(1 and 1/2 out of 5 Stars, The film is rated R for strong grisly violence and language throughout)

The Small Screen Vault: Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story

Wiffle bot---Ross Patterson as former wiffle ball star Ted Whitfield in the mockumentary Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story
                               99% of the time...I will not laugh at low brow humor. The 1% is reserved mostly for the films of Ross Patterson such as Strike! and Poolboy: Drowning Out The Fury. His latest---Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story does not stray from the pattern of hilariously crude comedies Patterson has done. This is a laugh out loud comedy that features one thing no other Patterson film has featured---someone outshining Patterson.

                               Although the film revolves around Patterson's character---Ted Whitfield...a former wiffle ball star...the real laughs come from actor Joey Kern. You may remember him as Sweet Lou in the skateboarding comedy Grind or as the guy driving the weed filled car at the beginning of Super Troopers. Here he plays Willie Hamilton....Ted's former teammate and a complete stoner. Kern provides perfect comic timing for each one of his lines. There's a gag towards the end that involves him as a door to door salesman that is absolutely drop dead from laughing funny. Christine Lakin is unrecognizable as Willie's wife Kiki. Lakin is very funny as well. Patterson is hilarious as always but for the most part...this is Kern's show.

                               
                                Most of the time...the film draws a fine line between ridiculous and offensive. When Ted recalls his many sexual encounters...the audience gets the feeling that Patterson is trying to test us. Being that Patterson both delivers these lines in the raunchiest way possible and that he wrote the screenplay....I wouldn't be surprised if this were true.

                            The film is crude and as dumb as it gets. I can see where people will get off not liking it. There are really no redeeming qualities to it and you'll feel guilty for laughing at it. However....if you are in the mood for many sex jokes, dirty words and stereotypical humor...this is the film for you.  Also...the credits feature a hysterical song parody involving the sport of wiffleball.

Ten Worst Films Of 2012

                          Well---I have official seen every film I can from 2012. This means only one thing---it's time for me to make my worst list. I can only say that Robert De Niro had the dishonor of having two films on my worst list last year and now that he got an excellent role in my #2 best of the year---Silver Linings Playbook---another actor will get that dishonor. This actor will become very apparently in this list as the marketing points for both films was mostly this actor. Also...after much thinking..I have decided that Savages & Total Recall are not QUITE terrible enough to be in my 10 worst.  So without further ado...here are the stinkers of 2012.

(10) Jack Reacher

                   Based on the Lee Child novel "One Shot..." this film is smug with no reason  to be. It thinks its action scenes are cool but they're not and the dialogue is dumb even though it think it's smart. Tom Cruise was also the worst choice to play the title character. Robert Duvall plays a completely superfluous character and not even the great Werner Herzog could save this from being on the worst list.

 (9)  Parental Guidance

                       Yes...this is not the disaster you might expect. However---that's like saying a kick to the groin is less painful than a punch to the throat. This is a truly unfunny film that tries to abruptly become sticky sweet at the end. There is a scene where Tony Hawk falls in pee that is just embarrassing  Billy Crystal and Bette Midler are unlikable as the grandparents as are  Marisa Tomei as the mother and all three of the kids. Avoid this one at all costs. 

(8) Hitchcock

                      The more and more I think about this one...the less and less I like it. Although I originally (albeit generously) gave it one star...I would now give it half a star. Anthony Hopkins gives a terrible performance as the greatest director of all time and director Sacha Gervasi seems to have some kind of fetish for Helen Mirren...constantly zooming in on her. No one needs to see this when the original Psycho is available on DVD.

(7) A Liar's Autobiography-The Untrue Story Of Monty Python's Graham Chapman

                 Yes....it was terrible and ruined all my great memories of the classic comedy troupe but there were much uglier and more despicable films this year. This film was both ugly and despicable but at least it wasn't all that boring. Maybe because I was in so much pain. Anyway...#7 it is. 

(6) The Cold Light Of Day

                    Although this is probably the biggest flop of 2012...it is not the worst. Sure...it's also the film I had to try to stay awake in the most but there was much worst this year. Henry Cavill is horrible as an average Joe who finds out that he comes from a family of spies. That's honestly all I remember because it was that forgettable. 

(5) Dredd

                  If it weren't for later in the year...this would be about #2 on my list. It is a despicable, ugly, boring piece of film making. There is so much more that could have been done with the money like donating it to charity, shopping, ETC. Anything but making this waste of film. 

(4) Rock of Ages

                                Yes....Tom Cruise is that actor who gets the dishonor. While almost ruining all of the classic songs from the 80's and making great actors do terrible things...this film also manages to be boring and redundant. At nearly 2 hours...this is a truly disgusting waste of film that no one needs to see. 

(3) Playing For Keeps

                     Gerald Butler is one of my least favorite actors and this film further gives me that opinion. It is an icky, unrealistic film in which we are supposed to root for Butler's terrible excuse for a human being of a character. The film is also arguably misogynistic and wastes many terrible actresses and the usually reliable Dennis Quaid. 

(2) Branded

                       A true "what the hell am I watching" film...this was just beat out for the place of worst film of the year by another somehow critically acclaimed film. Where this film thinks it gets off being so dumb is beyond me. This film is the true definition of a waste of time and money.

(1) Rust And Bone

                      How this film ever got one positive review more or less critical acclaim is beyond me. Yet another misogynistic film....this one features a relationship between a double amputee and a despicable man. The film wastes the talent of the beautiful and talented Marion Cotillard and manages to be both unexciting and painfully frustrating to watch. Avoid this one like the plague.