Here they are..the ten films I despised the most in 2013. Before I start this shameful list...I want to lay out the groundwork for my list. Unlike most critics...I will pick on small films if I truly hated them. I don't care if no one will see them even without this list...I believe in listing the 10 films I hated the most. Also...I do these in order of how much the film straight up offended me or how much I truly hated, not how particularly bad it may have been. So without further ado...here's my list.
(10) Movie 43
I didn't even realize how bad of a year it was until I constructed this list and saw that this steaming pile of garbage was actually only the film I hated 10th most. I don't even want to call this a film. It's more of a series of sketches that weren't even funny enough to be on "Mad TV" and yet have huge name stars in them.
(9) Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas
I will enjoy just about any Christmas film I watch. I even enjoy Surviving Christmas, Jingle All The Way, ETC. However, this film was just a bunch of obnoxious characters sitting around telling terrible jokes that they though were funny. It's like that one guy at the party who thinks he's a comedian but ends up getting thrown out for being obnoxious.
(8) 47 Ronin
An actor as dull as Keanu Reeves thrown into a film as dull as this one is not a good mix at all. In fact...it's pretty damn unwatchable. The action set pieces are ugly, the story dumb and the writing absolutely despicable. Need I say more?
(7) Grown Ups 2
When there's a single laugh in a film starring Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock and Kevin James...all of whom can be legitimately great and the laugh is elicited from the ever so terrible Taylor Lautner....you know your film sucks. This is such an uninteresting film that I started counting how many poop and piss jokes there were in the film. I lost count at 44.
(6) Only God Forgives
Ryan Gosling has the ability to be a magnetic, excellent actor (just take a look at Half Nelson or The Notebook.) However, he's just a walking zombie in this incredibly unwatchable revenge flick that reunites him with his Drive director, Nicolas Winding Refn. Throw in a hammy performance by Kristin Scott Thomas, another excellent performer as Gosling's mother and a plot point directly involving incest and you've got yourself one steaming pile of crap.
(5) After Earth
It's telling when a film I could barely sit through is only number five on my list. Although Will Smith obviously made his son Jaden star in this film for his own ego...I still have to hold Jaden's feet to the fire. Jaden Smith is asked to act by himself most of the time...a role that would be tough for anybody. However, I can't just let the fact that he's not experienced enough of an actor to pull this off slide. This is a true waste of time where someone could fall asleep at any point and not miss anything of importance.
(4) Riddick
I wrote in my review of this film that it was by and large the worst film that came out all year. Then I remembered two from early in the year that make this look like a masterpiece by comparison. However, this is still as dull as dishwater and absolutely uneventful.
(3) Scary Movie V
The last spoof film I found anything funny in was Scary Movie 3. Here...the once great writer David Zucker and the very talented director Malcolm D. Lee take the Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer place as making a spoof film that thinks just because something in pop culture is mentioned it's automatically funny. They're totally wrong. At least Lee redeemed himself with his sequel The Best Man Holiday. Zucker has nothing to show for making this garbage.
(2) A Haunted House
Racist, misogynistic, homophobic and genuinely gross. Unless you're a complete embezzle I can't imagine why that's what you would want to see in a spoof film. How this film ever got green lit is beyond me. The fact that there's a sequel in the works is just shameful.
(1) Mr. Nobody
I think Jared Leto's an incredibly talented actor and musician and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. However, this film irked me more than any other this year. It's an incredibly pretentious film that thinks it's smart but is actually really dumb and although one could argue that effort was made with this film unlike some others on this list...this film was inarguably made with cynical effort which may just be worse than no effort at all. There was obviously some potential here but any sign of a good film got squandered and became the most miserable two and a half hours of my life.
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