Thursday, January 3, 2013

Ten Worst Films Of 2012

                          Well---I have official seen every film I can from 2012. This means only one thing---it's time for me to make my worst list. I can only say that Robert De Niro had the dishonor of having two films on my worst list last year and now that he got an excellent role in my #2 best of the year---Silver Linings Playbook---another actor will get that dishonor. This actor will become very apparently in this list as the marketing points for both films was mostly this actor. Also...after much thinking..I have decided that Savages & Total Recall are not QUITE terrible enough to be in my 10 worst.  So without further ado...here are the stinkers of 2012.

(10) Jack Reacher
                   Based on the Lee Child novel "One Shot..." this film is smug with no reason  to be. It thinks its action scenes are cool but they're not and the dialogue is dumb even though it think it's smart. Tom Cruise was also the worst choice to play the title character. Robert Duvall plays a completely superfluous character and not even the great Werner Herzog could save this from being on the worst list.
 (9)  Parental Guidance
                       Yes...this is not the disaster you might expect. However---that's like saying a kick to the groin is less painful than a punch to the throat. This is a truly unfunny film that tries to abruptly become sticky sweet at the end. There is a scene where Tony Hawk falls in pee that is just embarrassing  Billy Crystal and Bette Midler are unlikable as the grandparents as are  Marisa Tomei as the mother and all three of the kids. Avoid this one at all costs. 
(8) Hitchcock
                      The more and more I think about this one...the less and less I like it. Although I originally (albeit generously) gave it one star...I would now give it half a star. Anthony Hopkins gives a terrible performance as the greatest director of all time and director Sacha Gervasi seems to have some kind of fetish for Helen Mirren...constantly zooming in on her. No one needs to see this when the original Psycho is available on DVD.
(7) A Liar's Autobiography-The Untrue Story Of Monty Python's Graham Chapman
                 Yes....it was terrible and ruined all my great memories of the classic comedy troupe but there were much uglier and more despicable films this year. This film was both ugly and despicable but at least it wasn't all that boring. Maybe because I was in so much pain. Anyway...#7 it is. 

(6) The Cold Light Of Day
                    Although this is probably the biggest flop of 2012...it is not the worst. Sure...it's also the film I had to try to stay awake in the most but there was much worst this year. Henry Cavill is horrible as an average Joe who finds out that he comes from a family of spies. That's honestly all I remember because it was that forgettable. 
(5) Dredd
                  If it weren't for later in the year...this would be about #2 on my list. It is a despicable, ugly, boring piece of film making. There is so much more that could have been done with the money like donating it to charity, shopping, ETC. Anything but making this waste of film. 

(4) Rock of Ages
                                Yes....Tom Cruise is that actor who gets the dishonor. While almost ruining all of the classic songs from the 80's and making great actors do terrible things...this film also manages to be boring and redundant. At nearly 2 hours...this is a truly disgusting waste of film that no one needs to see. 
(3) Playing For Keeps
                     Gerald Butler is one of my least favorite actors and this film further gives me that opinion. It is an icky, unrealistic film in which we are supposed to root for Butler's terrible excuse for a human being of a character. The film is also arguably misogynistic and wastes many terrible actresses and the usually reliable Dennis Quaid. 
(2) Branded
                       A true "what the hell am I watching" film...this was just beat out for the place of worst film of the year by another somehow critically acclaimed film. Where this film thinks it gets off being so dumb is beyond me. This film is the true definition of a waste of time and money.
(1) Rust And Bone
                      How this film ever got one positive review more or less critical acclaim is beyond me. Yet another misogynistic film....this one features a relationship between a double amputee and a despicable man. The film wastes the talent of the beautiful and talented Marion Cotillard and manages to be both unexciting and painfully frustrating to watch. Avoid this one like the plague. 






                       
           

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